Another Fucking Wedding

Wedding dress redux

My quest for the perfect dress was hampered by the fact that I didn't want to look for it. In the ideal world, I'd have something like my old prom dress - a vintage chiffon number, sleeveless, with a high collar. But in the real world, I am lazy and cheap, and I HATE shopping.

The future mother-in-law (Eileen) took me to the Bridal Garden, a nonprofit that sells designer gowns, both used and samples, at steep discounts. But even at 75% off, I was still looking at a price tag of around $1,000, which was more than I wanted to pay (though the ladies there were prepared to haggle).

My next stop was to return to what was then my neighborhood. I walked down 5th Avenue in Park Slope with my buddy Alexandra, who was also getting married. We both looked for a dress -- any dress that fit and flattered -- to no avail. (Alexandra ended up hiring a seamstress to make a simple blue dress, but she hated the result and decided she was better off sticking with a black dress that she loved – and that was already in her closet.)

So I turned to Craiglist. After about a week of searching, I found a dress with the neckline I liked for $400. It was a beautiful dress with one obvious flaw: it was in Patchogue. Regardless, I emailed the seller and found out that our measurements were very similar, so I tried to set up an appointment to try the dress on. After waiting a few weeks for a response I was certain of two things: (1) the dress was still available and (2) I didn’t want to schlep out to Patchogue to look at it. So I offered to pay $200 (plus shipping) for the dress without trying it on. At best, I had a dress for $200; at worst, I could put the dress back up on Craigslist. Apparently, the seller didn't want me to come over and try the dress on any more than I did; she gladly accepted the offer.

The dress arrived and it was much more traditional than it appeared in the photos -- it had a long train, for example - but it fit perfectly.... ok, with one exception: the boobs were HUGE. They were packed with enough foam padding to safely FedEx a printer. I don't mind a little padding -- I'm an AA -- but I could have fit a couple of small animals in the boob-cavity of this dress.

Eileen took me to her seamstress, who removed some of the padding (if she removed it all, the front of the dress would float around independent of my movement) and gently took in the sides. The bill: $10. Seriously.

So here are the lessons:

* Craigslist is a buyer's market for wedding dresses. Most dresses don't sell, at least not at the offered price. I wouldn't pay more than 25% of the original cost.

* Bookmark your search and check it regularly.

* Get as much info as you can before going out to look at a dress. Get the owner's measurements. Ask for more photos. You aren’t going to have the luxury of looking at a clearance rack – every trip is for a single dress – so make sure each trip is worth the time.

* Check the listings outside of your area. If you have a little gambler in you, you might be able to find the best bargains in cities that don’t have enough local buyers. If the dress is decent but doesn't fit, you might even make a little money from Craigslist arbitrage.

* Alterations can be very expensive. Find a mother-in-law who has a longstanding relationship with a seamstress. (I’m not sure how to help you with that).

Hello NY Post Readers

Carrie and I are featured in an article in the NY Post today about alternative wedding plans (registration might be required). Carrie is quoted quite a bit and comes off very well, I think.

I was pleased to see fellow comic Jennifer Dziura and her husband Lord Carrett featured in the article as well. I was less pleased to see that she and her husband were listed as "comedians" while I was listed as a "lawyer." Win some, lose some.

In any event, I am performing at Jen's comedy show on July 17 at 7:30 at Pete's Candy Store in Williamsburg.

A Wedding Dress for What?

Coming soon: How to get a gorgeous wedding dress, including alterations, for under $300.

Seriously.

Best wedding photographer ever: William Moree

I've been very unmotivated to blog for the past couple months, which shouldn't be surprising considering we haven't done any wedding planning. I've been meaning to plug our photographer, though: we somehow managed to convince the brilliant William Moree to shoot our wedding for free.

I've worked with Bill on Stay Free! -- he shot the last two covers -- and love his dryly comic sensibility. You can see some of his wedding photos here.

(Of course, Bill won't shoot a stranger's wedding for a rate as good as ours, but I know for a fact that he'd cut you a great deal if you don't make him do all the post-production photo album work.)

Now our tale can be told

I don't know why we didn't post this when it came out* but we were featured in The Observer's Love Beat column back in October. You have to pay to read the article online** now, but since we aren't the biggest fans of copyright law - and it is about us anyway - the text of the article is below the fold.

* OK, I do. Carrie didn't want to admit that we did this...
** Yes, the article is about us; we were the second couple featured so our names aren't in the title.

Usually I'm the jerk

Not that anyone really wonders why I love Carrie, but I suppose people might wonder how I can spend the rest of my life with someone that clearly eats healthy food - who, when we met was a vegetarian. To those people, I present this conversation from last night:

Carrie: What are you thinking about for dinner tonight?
Charles: I don't know. Do you have any ideas?
Carrie: How about jerk chicken?

I will never, ever leave this woman.

Not quite a free lunch

It wouldn't be hard to have a Kosher wedding on a budget if we were going vegetarian, but I'd rather slit my wrists with a rusty soda can. Which brings me to Hoomoos Asli (100 Kenmare @ Cleveland). I used to have lunch at Hoomoos Asli all the time when I worked in the East Village. A big plate of good hoomoos,* with a generous portion of sauteed mushrooms and onions and a fluffy pita was around seven bucks. I'd never had hoomoos as an entree before; I was used to it as a dip next to the salsa and guac. For the record, yes, you can eat a whole plate of hoomoos and find it very satisfying. I also really liked their shwarma and salads, so, once I started paying attention to this sort of thing, I was very happy to see "WE CATER" on the back of the menu. I spoke to the owner, Sharon, back in November and he offered me an amazing price: $20/person for a buffet style affair, featuring a full selection of salads and appetizers and a wide selection of main courses. Whoa.

After doing nothing for the next three months, I set up a meeting at noon last Friday and, contrary to my usual practice, arrived on time. Apparently my reputation preceeded me, because Sharon did not.  A half hour later he arrived and we reprised our earlier conversation. Yep, $20 a head. Yep, the selection is exactly as good as he said last time. Very cool. Except there were a lot of things that were going to be on the menu that I'd never had. I mentioned this. "It is very good," Sharon assured me. And then it got a bit uncomfortable.

I had been told that auditioning caterers is a great way to get a lot of free food. Nobody told Sharon. I have never grown out of being embarrassed by my parents' interactions with service staff. It isn't like they ever did anything wrong - they just made sure that they got what they paid for. Still, I couldn't bring myself to just ask for a sample. I was afraid of coming off like a schnorrer, so rather than simply ask, I implied interest in the most awful passive-aggressive way. Which, I think, now guarantees that he thinks I'm a schnorrer - and a pussy to boot. What is worse, on reflection I feel like he is right. Which isn't to say he shouldn't have been hustling out samples to me.

I ended up getting a schnitzel sandwich on the house, which was not as good as some of their other stuff and probably won't make the final cut. That said, Hoomoos remains the frontrunner to cater the wedding. I love the food (most of the time) and - so long as we can figure out a cheap way to get tables, chairs, linens and staff - the price is great. (He gave us a damn good quote for some of that also, but we are still looking for one vendor to handle it all.)

My mother has the numbers of a few full service Kosher caterers (including one that seems willing to work with any budget) but she has been somewhat lax in getting the information to me. (Blaming mother. How Freudian!) When we finally get around to visiting a caterer that can't wait to stuff us with samples until we pop, I'll report back.

* While this is clearly the same thing as "hummus," the spelling and pronunciation is rigorously enforced. I still haven't gotten around to asking them exactly the regional origin of the alternate pronunciation. Whatever. It is seriously good hoomoos.

De Beers spoof

While looking over Worth1000's new fake ad contest, I came across this jewel (by a fellow Edward Jay Epstein reader?)

An alternative to traditional wedding registries

It will no doubt shock and disappoint some of my Stay Free! readers to learn that I don't despise gift registries--quite the contrary, I embrace them! ... both as a giver and as a receiver.

Still, the annoying thing about registries is that you're generally limited to chain stores that I otherwise wouldn't frequent. So I've been wondering if there's a DIY registry online that allows you to list things from local stores, and I've found it: FindGift.com. This site allows you to list anything, be it from a local indie store or some website. You can specify as many or few details as you want: "model X lamp in X color from Cog & Pearl at 190 Avenue in Park Slope" or simply "a boombox." Thus, it not only allows your people to buy from local, independent businesses, it allows them, in some cases, to comparison shop.

The downside: gift-givers will need to remember to click off the item they bought or else you'll end up with duplicates. Since you usually get duplicates from regular registries anyway, I'm not sure how much that matters, but if the store doesn't have a customer-friendlly return policy, it'll be a real hassle. Perhaps the best way to use this, then, is to make sure any store you include has a decent return policy. And you can always use it in conjunction with standard registries (which is what we'll be doing).

In our spirit

We have gotten flak about the name of the blog from some sources (notably our mothers, who thought that they raised us better than to stoop to such language). Still, we know how we would feel if the wedding being discussed weren't in fact our own. In fact, I have a fairly low threshhold for even talking about my own wedding. Which is why I'm putting this t-shirt on our registry.